By Jacqueline Kovacs
There was a time when you two couldn’t get enough of each other, but lately, it seems as though you’re always fighting. The butterflies you used to feel in your stomach have turned into knots. These are just a couple possible signs you’re living in a toxic relationship.
“The word ‘toxic’ really means that it’s unhealthy or abusive,” says Toronto psychologist and relationship expert Nicole McCance. “It’s having a negative impact on your life. It’s bringing you down and causing you stress.”
Defining the toxic relationship
What does a toxic relationship look like? “There’s a lot of fighting,” says McCance. “There’s name-calling, intention to hurt each other, maybe throwing things.” There can even be intent to scare. McCance recalls a client whose partner was intentionally driving the car really fast. “She asked him to slow down and he wouldn’t,” says McCance. “That’s intent to scare.”
Other signs that your relationship is toxic include:
Secrecy or shame: “Are you hiding it from your friends or family?” says McCance. “That tells you something because these people love you.”
Dwelling on memories: “Do you focus on the past?” asks McCance. Is it all “Oh, we were so good together” or “I have these great memories—we can get there again”? Sure, says McCance, sometimes that possible, but “you’re basically in denial.”
Time to leave
Once you determine your relationship is toxic, it’s time to think about ending it. “Bottom line: if you stay, it will wear you down,” says McCance. “It will wear down your self image. You will start to question yourself. It will chip away at your self esteem and have a negative impact on your work or school.”
And most people know that they want to leave an unhealthy relationship, she says, but they are stopped by fear—fear of hurting a partner they still have feelings for and fear of being alone. “They don’t miss the person,” says McCance, “but they will miss being a partner. Once people figure that out, it can be easier to let go.”
Sometimes, though, even faced with all the facts that their relationship is unhealthy and perhaps abusive, some people still have a hard time letting go. “I’ll say to them, ‘Maybe he hasn’t hurt you enough. Maybe you have to stay until he hurts you more,'” says McCance. “That often jars people into realizing, no, I don’t want to be hurt anymore. But some do have to hit their breaking point.”
Steps to leaving
Once you do realize it’s time to move on, McCance suggests three steps:
1. Journal it: Write about all the arguments, fights and negative behavior. “Then you can go back and see, ‘Wow, we really do fight a lot,’ or ‘He treated me terribly at that party.'”
2. Share it: Talk with friends who know you well. “They’ll remind you of who you are,” says McCance, “and how strong, happy and confident you used to be.”
3. Get help: See a therapist, says McCance. Tell them your story and let them help you work through what you have to do.